I began meditating out of desperation as my young life was spiraling out of control. And I was utterly convinced that I needed discipline, and that discipline meant force. I believed if I didn’t push myself, I’d never gain control of my mind or my life. So I sat rigidly, snapping at myself like a caffeinated drill sergeant who’s been stung by a Bee. The result? A practice filled with tension and self-reproach and dread. Meditation became something to endure, not something to return to.
On one particular chilly Wednesday night, my teacher said (for the umpteenth time), “Meditation is not about getting anywhere. It is about being here.” Maybe it was the cold, or my sheer frustration, but that evening his message penetrated. I treated meditation like a self-improvement project – something to endure, like a bitter pill, wincing as I swallowed it. I believed I was messed up and inadequate, and meditation was a means to fix something broken in me. But what if instead of wrestling my mind into silence, I simply sat with it – without acrimony, self-rejection, and forceful criticism? What if I brought some gentleness into my rigidity?
But was it OK to be gentle? Wouldn’t that be weak and enabling? So I peered closely at my thoughts, and realized that I equated self-criticism with self-discipline. I truly believed that if I didn’t push myself, I’d stagnate, falter, and fail to achieve anything. My inner critic was a harsh and demanding coach, but it was there to bring out the best in me; berating myself was the ONLY way to progress.
Does this sound or feel familiar? Am I the only one that concluded that I must be driven and pushed to achieve, to amount, to measure up, to reach my potential? Have you internalized this attitude and also believe that being extra stern with yourself is your ticket to success?
I admit that being disciplined is super important – it is key to an intentional and fulfilling life. But equating discipline with an inner beating generates more resistance and disappointment than peace and control. The more we criticize ourselves in meditation, the more aversive the practice becomes.
Imagine if every time you went to the gym, your trainer berated you: “You’re doing it wrong. You’re so weak. You’ll never get this right.” How long before you quit the gym? Now imagine a trainer who says: “You’re showing up. That’s what matters. Keep going – one step at a time.” You’d keep coming back to being pushed and encouraged, wouldn’t you?
Meditation is no different. If you perpetuate self-judgment and criticism, why would you return to the cushion, to the scene of the berating? But when we bring gentleness – when we allow ourselves to simply be – meditation becomes a space of refuge rather than scrutiny.
Shunryu Suzuki, my teacher’s teacher, offered a Zen antidote to self-criticism, non-interference: “Leave your front door and your back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.” Instead of battling thoughts, emotions, or sensations, we take note of them. The mind wanders? Notice it. Self-judgment arises? Notice it. No need to fix, correct, or fight – just observe with a curious, accepting presence. This shift isn’t just theoretical; here are four ways to make it real in your practice:
- Shift your inner dialogue – Instead of, “I’m so bad at this,” or, “I don’t have the discipline for this,” or, “why can’t I just focus,” try, “It’s okay. Everyone’s mind wanders.” Speak to yourself as you would a close friend.
- Soften your focus – Rather than gripping attention tightly, let it rest lightly on the breath, like a leaf floating on water.
- Reframe meditation as an offering, not a task – You’re not meditating to achieve something. You’re simply showing up for yourself, in devotion to your life.
- End with gratitude – Before you open your eyes, take a moment to thank yourself for practicing.
A sustainable meditation practice isn’t built on force; it’s built on care. When we remove the weight of expectation and continuously meet ourselves as we are, meditation stops being a battleground and becomes a place of ease.
So next time you sit, try this: be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow that the mind wanders, allow that thoughts build up and then crumble; arise and dissolve. Be a witness, not a judge. In doing so, you’ll find that gentleness doesn’t make meditation passive – it makes it sustainable.
As Alan Watts gorgeously quipped, “You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.” Let yourself be as you are, moment to moment. That is an exulted discipline. The rest will take care of itself.