You know, it’s strange how easily we can be unkind to ourselves. Isn’t it? You’d think, of all people, we’d know how to treat ourselves gently. But no – too often, our inner voice is the one that nags, criticizes, and berates. We’ll forgive a friend for messing up, show them patience when they’re struggling, but when it’s us? The standards shift. Suddenly, we’re not allowed the same grace. It’s as if we’ve decided that we’ll be lovable and acceptable when we’ve somehow perfected ourselves.
And why is that? Well, I, for one, was taught to believe that improvement – self-improvement, career success, looking and feeling good – is the virtuous way to prove I’m worth something. And improvement is fine in itself, but let’s be honest: it comes with a sneaky little hitch. Instead of being this wonderful process of exploration and learning, it turns into a whip we crack over our own backs. Every time we fall short, every time we fail to meet some shiny, unrealistic standard (one that we unquestionably adopted from family, community, and culture), we punish ourselves. And what’s worse, we believe that punishment, berating ourselves, and pushing harder is what will drive us to do better.
I admit that while yelling and pushing has an impact, in the long run, it doesn’t really work. Not in the way we think it does. Sure, it might make us scramble harder in the short term, but over time, it wears us down. The more we criticize ourselves, the more we start to believe that inner voice that says, You’re not enough. We stop taking risks. We stop being creative. We stop enjoying the very life we’re striving so hard to improve.
This is where kindness comes in – not as some fluffy, “let yourself off the hook” kind of thing, but as a radical, game-changing shift. What if, instead of berating ourselves for every mistake, we treated those moments like a good friend would? Imagine saying to yourself, Hey, you’re doing your best. You’re learning. It’s okay. Doesn’t that feel better? More honest, even? Because the truth is, we’re all stumbling along. My teacher Ezra Bayda used to say that, “we’re all brailing our way toward enlightenment.” We’re all figuring things out as we go. And the reality is, when you let yourself stumble without judgment, you’re more likely to stand back up and keep going.
In case you think I’m advocating for a choice, I’m not. Kindness isn’t about abandoning the desire to grow; it’s about giving yourself the space to grow. It’s realizing that beating yourself up doesn’t make you stronger – it makes you smaller. But when you’re kind to yourself, you get to see your mistakes not as failures, not even as virtuous steps in a larger process, but just as unpleasant actions. I’m inviting you to kindly forgive yourself for not being perfect because – well, heck – nobody is. Perfection is the pursuit of a hurting ego. As we awaken to life and reality, we may find that presence is more compelling than perfection.
And here’s the kicker: the way you treat yourself colors the way you see the world. If you mete out harshness toward yourself, that harshness is bound to seep into how you relate to others. In the same vein, if you dial up the kind, patient, understanding posture with your own self (flaws and all), you can’t help but notice that the world looks a little softer. People’s mistakes don’t bother you so much. You start to realize everyone’s in this same boat, trying to stay afloat in the choppy waters of life.
So, why not practice being kind to yourself? Why not begin to let go of the idea that you have to earn your own love? Why not allow yourself to receive it? In the grand scheme of things, kindness isn’t a luxury – it’s essential. It’s the soil where all the best parts of us grow: resilience, creativity, and yes, even growth and improvement. But it’s not about becoming someone else. It’s about realizing you’re already enough – right here, right now. And from that place, your true nature shines through – and that nature is naturally kind.