Self-awareness is a catchall term we toss around in meditation and self-help circles. And while, on face value, it seems obvious, what is self-awareness? And – more importantly – who or what is “being aware”?
In meditation, self-awareness is a mental flashlight that illuminates what’s here and now – the parade of objects of consciousness that is made of thoughts, sensations, images, and emotions. It’s also a mystery. The more closely we peer, the more magical it appears, revealing that it’s nary impossible to definitively answer what it actually is. And yet, understanding (or at least sensing) this awareness is critical in meditation.
Let’s start with the body. Is awareness located in this body that changes continuously? Skin and bones, muscles and organs, all are constantly shifting, cells dying and being replaced. I look back at old photos, and the “me” from twenty years ago has a different face, for sure a different hairstyle. But somehow, I still feel like… well, me. So, if I can change physically and yet still feel the same in some sense, then perhaps the body is not the true seat of my awareness.
Then there’s the mind: thoughts, memories, the stuff of our mental life. My thoughts are like weather patterns that come and go, often without warning. Our narratives, beliefs, opinions, values, biases – all the stuff that makes up the story of who “me” – are in constant flux. Even a passing experiencing with sitting meditation reveals that our thoughts are ever changing. Even our values shift. Our judgments morph, and our opinions take on different hues over time. So if we’re attuned to our constantly shifting mind… who is listening to these thoughts?
So, what about emotions that ebb and flow without our consent or control. Joy can morph into sadness with a simple memory. I just spent a day feeling sunny from being productive, only to be under storm clouds before bed. And awareness doesn’t seem to be anchored in identity, either. As I look back on my lifeline, I can spot about a dozen versions of my “self,” each one of them authentic in their moment. We’re not quite as brief as thespians in Broadway play, but we do change roles over time. And yet, there is a thread that pulls through all these versions of “me” – something aware, beyond roles, beyond titles, beyond time.
So, what is this awareness? To be honest, any answer I could attempt would be too simplistic, a dogma, an “ism.” Fortunately, in meditation, rather than defining self-awareness, we get to experience it. In my meditation I’m less concerned with getting the answer, and more attuned to noticing the process of awareness itself. And you have your own experience of being aware, a uniquely personal phenomenon that no teacher, book, or idea can define for you.
I encourage you, in your meditation, to quest (yes, in the spirit of questions) for the center of your awareness – the nucleus, if you will. That aspect of you that notices without judgment, that simply is. Just observe: when you drift from your intention to notice your breath, what pulls you back? Is it a thought, a habit, or something subtler? How is this self-awareness trainable, if at all? And if you find yourself distracted, even judging yourself for drifting, what is doing the judging, and what is being judged?
As you experience the nucleus of awareness, does it have a direction, or a frequency, or even a sense of mass? Some days, it may feel like you’re grasping at nothing. Other days, you may experience it as a calm, silent presence within you – an agenda-free witness that keenly observes. In this state, self-awareness is not a “thing” or an identity. It’s a state of being, a steady beam in a swirling lightshow. I’ve come to believe that self-awareness is more a question than an answer; a question that evolves as we evolve. And I find solace and contentment in that open-ended inquiry, a journey with no final destination.
So next time you sit in meditation ponder this: what is aware? And then relax. Don’t strain for an answer. Don’t worry if you can’t wrap your mind around it. Just notice. Stay in the inquiry. Maybe in the end that’s what self-awareness really is: the art of asking, not answering. With a deep bow to science and instruments and AI, why not let it stay a little mysterious. Because life’s wonder isn’t just in the knowing; it’s in the devotion of something that might never be fully known.